Friday, December 19, 2014

Mr. Carlisto: Award Winner

Mr. Carlisto has been named the winner of a prestigious award. See below for the exciting details.

Mr. Carlisto
Saranac Lake Middle School
December, 2014

Dear Sir,
I am writing on behalf of the “Male English Teacher’s Vacation Fund”. We, my colleagues and I, have received word about your seventh grade English Language Arts teaching skills. As the president of this proud and highly successful association, I give you my congratulations. Since the sixteenth of December in the year 2014, our fund has brought joy and relief to many male english teachers. We have since been known as fine, generous, upstanding citizens in this proud and beautiful town of Saranac Lake, New York. We have never been selfish or overly proud people, but humble, generous, kind, forgiving, loving, and noble human beings. I am proud and excited to present to you, this fine Christmas gift that the fund has to offer you. I present to you now, the “Male English Teacher’s Vacation Fund Regular Christmas Gift”, a vacation! Enclosed is a one-way train ticket to Hawaii and a notice reminding of your hotel reservations. You requested a four-star hotel. Well, the fund is not wealthy enough to afford that, so instead we went with the slightly cheaper, less expensive option, four bedrooms in a one-star hotel. We are sorry for the inconvenience, but it is the best that we can do. Your train will leave on Monday, January 5, 2015 at 4:15 a.m. from Albany, New York. Your train will stop on the way in Cleveland, Detroit, Columbus, Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Topeka, Omaha, Boulder, Santa Fe, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Las Vegas, Carson City, Portland, Sacramento, Oakland, and finally San Francisco, where you will depart the mainland of the United States of America to complete your journey in Hawaii. I would suggest bringing some warm clothing and a couple of pillows because, after the four one-star hotel rooms, we cannot afford a seat on the train. Instead, we have bribed the conductor to let you ride on top of the train like a hobo. We once again are sorry for the inconvenience, but once again, it is the best that we can do. In Hawaii, you will travel through several Hawaiian cities to get to the big apple of Hawaii, Honolulu. You will travel through Hilo, Waimea, Kihei, Wailuku, and Kapalua. You will hopefully arrive in Honolulu on Wednesday, March 4, 2015. Hopefully meaning that the train doesn’t drown. Who knows what will happen with no tracks on the Pacific Ocean. In Honolulu, you will be staying in the respectable “Little Joe’s Tavern, Bar and Rooms”. You will spend your relaxing vacation in Hawaii, and then, on Friday, March 6, 2015 at 4:15 a.m., if you are still alive, you will once again become the hobo that you were during the heavenly 58 days that it took to get there. The train line agreed that if you didn’t die, then they would give a complimentary ride. Then, if you survive the train-trackless Pacific Ocean once again, you will hopefully reach Albany, New York again on Sunday, May 3, 2015. Just think, about five months away from your horrible students for a beautiful, luxurious vacation. And even if you don’t enjoy it, you can write it up in your memoir and then make millions! It will all be worth it. I assure you. Please reply to this wonderful offer by Thursday, December 25, 2014. Also known as Christmas Day. The association offers you their complete support and admiration and would like for me to wish you a very Merry Christmas, and an extremely Happy New Year!
Best Wishes,

Alexandros Marcellus Trout, President of the “Male English Teacher’s Vacation Fund”

Mr. Carlisto thanks Rosemary Crowley, Sarah Samperi and Robyn Rutgers for nominating him to receive this honor.

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